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Ken Blackman is a relationship and intimacy coach with over 23 years of experience helping men and couples create deeper connection, better sex, and relationships that actually get better over time. After struggling with nice guy syndrome and misogyny in his 20s while working at Apple, Ken embarked on a radical journey—including living in a sex commune—to understand how to truly connect with women and himself. His work dismantles expectations, teaches men to honor women's pleasure, and shows couples how to co-create relationships beyond their preconceived visions.In this episode we cover: - How Ken managed to be misogynistic AND have nice guy syndrome simultaneously - Living in a sex commune and discovering gourmet sex - Why men use sex as the avenue to intimacy (and women need intimacy first) - Physical pleasure vs. empathetic pleasure: what men and women actually crave - The rule: her genitals only experience pleasure (nothing unpleasurable) - How conditioning makes it incredibly hard for women to give honest feedback - Why sex and relationships should get BETTER over time, not worse - The cooking analogy: dialing in meals together over years - Dismantling the "honeymoon phase" myth - Why the best relationships blow your mind (not match your vision) - Getting past disillusionment to co-create something neither of you imagined - Codependency: putting all emotional needs on one person - The provider/protector trap and the unspoken contract - "You're entitled to nothing" - the uncomfortable truth that sets you free - Covert contracts that destroy relationships - Translation: why couples can't hear each other (but a coach can) - Ruthlessly protecting your high regard for your partner (51% minimum) - The difference between anger and vindictiveness - Why polarity language is deeply dehumanizing - Men outsourcing emotional labor to women - Cultivating intuition: she's already communicating—you're just not listening - The ticker tape across her forehead (and yours) - Stop gaslighting and be radically honest - Maintaining high regard even during conflict Connect with Ken: Website: kenblackman.com 0:00 - Welcome: Ken Blackman on Intimacy and Connection 0:50 - How Do You Know Craig Filer? 2:05 - From Apple to Relationship Coach 2:52 - Living in a Sex Commune (Yes, Really) 3:40 - The Turning Point: Women Reflecting His Misogyny 4:22 - Advantage of Being in a Community That Held Him Accountable 6:21 - Learning Gourmet Sex and Getting More Than He Could Handle 7:23 - Sex as the Avenue to Intimacy (But Women Need It First) 9:04 - Physical Pleasure vs. Empathetic Pleasure 10:30 - Co-Experiencing: What Men Actually Crave 11:33 - How to Create Sexual Abundance for Both Partners 12:12 - The Rule: Her Genitals Only Experience Pleasure 14:04 - Practical Question: How Do You Check In Without Being Weird? 15:37 - How Hard It Is for Women to Give Honest Feedback 16:48 - She's Thinking: "Am I Doing This Right? Is He Enjoying It?" 17:52 - Calibrating to Her Body Over Time 18:46 - Feeling Her Body Light Up (That Ignition Moment) 20:11 - Attunement: The Word That Captures It All 21:06 - Building Sensitivity as a Man 22:21 - Sex as a Microcosm of the Relationship 23:20 - The Cooking Analogy: Meals Get Better Over Years 25:14 - Why Your Relationship Can Get Better Over Time 27:30 - We Don't Have Role Models for Great Relationships 29:10 - Joni Mitchell: "For Infinite Variety, Stick With One Person" 30:14 - Co-Creating Beyond Your Map 31:00 - Disillusionment Phase: Where Do You Start? 32:07 - What Makes Relationships Fail (It's Not the Problems) 36:11 - Holding What Brought You Together 37:04 - What Men Actually Hunger For (Not the Hot Young Woman) 39:01 - One Avenue vs. Consistent Nourishment 40:25 - Intimacy Hunger Extends to Friendships With Men 42:10 - Brotherhood as Medicine 43:41 - Codependency: Putting All Needs on One Person 44:29 - Desire vs. Entitlement (The Critical Distinction) 45:24 - Provider/Protector Role and Unspoken Contracts 46:47 - Her Job: Being the Source of Happiness 47:33 - "You're Entitled to Nothing" (The Uncomfortable Truth) 49:02 - Covert Contracts That Were Never Communicated 50:48 - Holding a Bigger Vision for Relationships 52:03 - When "Should" Prevents You From Seeing Them 53:54 - Ruthlessly Protecting High Regard (51% Minimum) 55:04 - Distinguishing Anger From Vindictiveness 56:00 - Everyone Is Doing the Best They Can 59:02 - Keep Listening Until You Can See Their Sanity 1:02:05 - Accepting Everyone's Flavor of Trauma and History 1:08:02 - Throwing Out the Buckets Entirely 1:10:38 - We're All Chaos (Not Just Women) 1:11:04 - Outsourcing Emotions to Women as "Their Job" 1:15:34 - You Don't Need ESP (You Have Intuition) 1:16:26 - Honoring the Gifts Women Bring 1:19:09 - Stop Lying (Even Little White Lies) 1:19:59 - Never Gaslight (You're Destroying Her Intuition) 1:20:45 - Maintain High Regard No Matter What 1:22:05 - Where to Find Ken's Work 1:22:39 - Thank You and Closing

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